Flirting On The Internet For Shitheads
This was written by several different people. Blame all of them. __TOC__ CHAPTER ONE - FUCK YOU, AND DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB No seriously, fuck you, you gigantic weirdo. It's not that fucking hard. It's just trollflirting. What the fuck is wrong with you? Obviously, you're too fucking dense to figure out how to flirt without the commands of a goddamn manuscript on a couple hundred sheets of paper. Good fucking job, tree killer. Bow chicka bow wow. CHAPTER TWO - MANNING UP Okay, now that you've been properly insulted, seriously just Man the fuck Up. It's not that hard, just be smooth. Of course, having purchased this book, you've more or less confirmed that you aren't smooth, so that line doesn't help your sorry ass at all. So just put on your goddamn big boy pants, and just talk to your losery internet crush already, pussy. Wait no, not now, dumbass. You're only on chapter two. There is a fuckton of more advice in these pages, so keep reading you poor excuse for a homosapien. Seriously, I'm fairly certain that actually "Manning Up" would be an act of evolution for you, so just... I don't know, quit dragging your knuckles across the ground, and stop being such a wuss. Or keep being a wuss, maybe she'll feel sorry for you or something. Weirder things have happened. Like that two headed turtle in Ripleys, wasn't that cool? Fuck yeah it was. Shit had two heads. How crazy is that? Oh, wait, that's right. Be a fucking man. CHAPTER THREE- WO-MANNING IT UP. Okay, you might not actually be a dude. That's kind of shit, because there are no women on the internet, but if you want to lie to yourself and everyone else, fuck if that's my problem. But if, by some paradoxical fuck-up of fate, you do happen to be a woman browsing through the Internet and you want to slut yourself out to some 35 year old virgin, here's what you should do. Step One: Talk about how hot you are, even if you aren't. Losers in their parent's basements will believe you and be desperate for contact from the opposite gender, since they obviously aren't getting it in real life. Step Two: Ask to cyber. Be as graphic and disgusting as possible. The internet loves that shit. Step Three: Ask to meet your pedophillic imaginary man-crush in real life. Get ready to be knocked out and thrown in a van, bitch. CHAPTER FOUR - TRUE SIGNS OF GENDER (or "Chicks' got balls in more ways than one, brosef") Hitting on people on the internet is a trecherous slope, my fuckwad friend, and you should probably make sure you know who is actually a bangin hottie and who is a 40-year-old dude with sweaty shoulders and an associates degree in buisness practices that lives in his mom's basement. 1. If the person makes reference to themselves as a specific gender more then twice in passing conversation, chances are they're faking it. Red Flag, bro. 2. If their name contains the words "sweet" "hotty" "candy" or "sexy", these are all signs of a guy trying to sell the girl facade. 3. If they cannot spell a part of the female body correctly. If they say the word vegyna, you should probably avoid them like the plague. And number 4, if it's a girl asking for cyber, it's a dude. Plain and simple. CHAPTER FIVE - FUCK YOU, PART TWO: ELECTRIC FUCKYOUGALOO I hope you die in a fire. In fact, set this book on fire, then eat it. But first set yourself on fire. Then fucking eat it. But first cover yourself in gasoline. Oh, and make sure the girl you're trying to woo is watching on webcam. You told her you were hardcore, motherfucker. The fact that you've even read this far means you're pretty fucking pathetic, even though we've clearly fucking told you that you are the worst person in the history of the fucking universe. I still hope you die in a fire. God damn you. God damn you to hell. Where you'll be even more on fire. Re-fucking-member the fire. You're going to be dealing with a lot of it, you fucking flamer. CHAPTER SIX - THE FRAGILE ART OF ACTING ALOOF (When you're obviously really not) Whenever you try to get the attention of a prospective romantic interest, sometimes it can help to feign disinterest or even apathy in regards to romantic involvement. On the other hand, feigning disinterest in what they're actually saying won't get you very far. Thankfully, it's not very hard to differentiate between the two, and soon you too can be acting sooooo coooooooool. CHAPTER SEVEN - DON'T BE A DOUCHEBAG, YOU DOUCHE This is exactly what it says on the can. If you want to pull of the hey-look-at-me-I-am-a-fucking-douchebag move, it won't work unless you show that you have some fucking feelings. If the girl is crying, don't say "FUCK YOU". Ask them what the fuck is fucking wrong you fucking whore. No wait. That's a terrible idea. Don't listen to anything this book says. You will probably get stabbed in the face. CHAPTER EIGHT- BE A DOUCHEBAG, YOU DOUCHE Some women just go for this (this means that they are pathetic and don't have any spine or whatever and will probably put out easily. Congrats. You are dating a whore). I don't know. Call them terrible names. Slap them in face. Evade the police. I hope you die if you read this chapter and follow the advice, but fuck it. I'm getting paid to write this shit. CHAPTER (SIXTY)NINE - IF YOU LAUGHED AT THIS, YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY DIE IN A FIRE, ALSO DON'T BE A DOUCHEBAG YOU DOUCHE No, seriously, what the fuck, bro. CHAPTER TEN - MEETING OFFLINE (or "Don't be a sad douche, you douche!") Let's face it, no one likes having to pretend to make out with someone on a computer. It's sad, it's messy, and it can void your warrantee if you're not careful about it. What you should do is arrange to, at least, call the person on your phone. And that means call. Not text. You're already texting. You're just doing it over an internet connection. Don't be a pussy, just call the person and ask them what's up. If she asks you how you got her number, just ignore it. Jesus, should I spell this out more for you? If you hit it off, maybe you can actually go on a DATE. Yeah, that's right. A date. As in you take him/her out, wine and dine and shit, and actually make a meaningful relationship instead of you sitting there in your computer room, sad and pathetic as you picture yourself making out and shit with a person's avatar. What the fuck is wrong with you? Shit. Also, if you get to the date part, use deoderant. Seriously. You smell like shit. CHAPTER ELEVEN- DOING THE DIRTY. HAHAHAHA. You're flirting over the internet. You are never getting any. Get your tissues ready, asshole. Wait until you move out of the basement, dipshit. Also, consider a penis enlargement pill. Fucking micropenis. If you're really that desperate. Lie. They'll NEVER figure it out. Never. Consider your secret failures safe. You have a lot to lie about. A good piece of advice dictates that you ought to keep a notebook of all of your failures and the lies you are using to cover them up so you don't get found out. CHAPTER TWELVE - THIS IS FUCKING RETARDED (Yes, It is.) Believe it or not, this book is stupid :D yeah right Yeah, right! gee thanks captain obvious. Stop reading it. <3 Wait shit, this is one of the last chapters. You might as well just finish the book. No fuck that the next chapter is a piece of shit. I knew we shouldn't have gotten multiple writers for this chapter. Fucking writers guild. What the fuck is a writers' guild? It's the reason that you got to write in this book. Fucking guildy pieces of shit. CHAPTER OH FUCK IT - PLAY TO HER MORALITY This is very simple, you find out what kind of immorality she likes, and you start acting them out. She likes murderers? You just start bragging about murdering people. (If in doubt, bring in proof of killing people). She loves arson? Brag about arson. She is completely bonkers about jaywalkers? Talk about how much you enjoy jaywalking. It's so simple I cannot believe I had to give a few examples. If she is a baby eating monster, then all you can do is to act as demonic as possible. Throw all out concepts of morality out the window, and flip the fuck out, and do bad things. CHAPTER OH FUCK IT + 1- PLAY TO HER MORTALITY Death threats, man. Those'll probably work, you sick fuck. CHAPTER OH FUCK IT + 2 - LEARN THE FUCKING GUITAR Congratulations, you win! CHAPTER OH FUCK IT +3 - PLAY TO HER SHUT THE FUCK UP Dude nobody loves you. CHAPTER OH FUCK IT -1 - RAPE Nono, not what you're thinking. If you just go up to her and fondle her randomly she most DEFINITELY WILL NOT call the police or spray mace into your eyes. So go for it dude. At least you'll get some before you go to prison. I mean. A nice date. CHAPTER OF FUCK IT -2 - WOW WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP WITH THAT LAST CHAPTER? Actually no, listen to the advice it gives you bro, it's pretty solid. CHAPTER OH FUCK IT -3 - BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF THAT WOMAN There are some woman who is absolutely BATSHIT for this. No really, they will fall in love with you the moment you break their backs. Beat the shit out of her, punch her in the stomach, falcon punch her, throw her off a cliff, shoryuken her, kick her while she's on the ground crying, grab her, throw her into dynamites, watch the lightshow, then fly to her as she is on fire, punch her like Kenshiro on steroids and mushrooms, give her ten million autographs as she is about to fly right into the shityard, then punch her into through earth itself! And just to make absolutely sure, throw her into a volcano. Then do a piledriver on her. Finally, when you think all of her bones are broken beyond recognization, finish her off by shooting her with lasers. Then kiss her for you are now both in eternal love and romance. CHAPTER DICKS DICKS DICKS - YOU PROBABLY WANT TO SUCK ON THIS CHAPTER You homo. CHAPTER WHOGIVESAFUCK - HYGINE AND YOU (or "Wash your fucking armpits,fucker!") Seriously, I shouldn't even have to say this, but if you spend more time on Warcraft then you do in a public setting, you probably need this. If you're going to do shit, bathe first. That's it. Get in a bathtub, shower, japanese waterfall, bucket with a hose, whatever the fuck, stick a goddamn bar of soap under your arms and crevices and shit and scrub until you don't smell like b.o, Mountain Dew, stale Cheez-It's, and failure. Then pick some clothes that A) don't have a clever DnD based slogan, or B) cover up less than half your bulbous gut, and be social. You'd be amazed how well having human interaction will help you with meeting people on the web. Oh wait. You wouldn't. You haven't left the house since slap bracelets and pogs were in style. What a fucking champ. CHAPTER SHIT ON YOUR CHEST- INTERNET ETTIQUETTETEE Fuck if I spelled that incorrectly who the fuck cares. All you need to know is Caps Lock is cruise control for sexy. Type with yellow text on white backgrounds, then she'll know you're classy. Misspell words, and she'll know you're creative and a fucking badass rebel. CHAPTER YIPPIE KI-YAY MOTHERFUCKER - PUNCH HER IN THE SNOUT TO ESTABLISH SUPERIORITY. And establish dominance and romance too. CHAPTER 9001 - BEING SUAVE Well, first you have to take your shirt off and get some champagne. Then you hit her on the head with it and get a hotel room. You know what to do next. Awwww yeah baby. HNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG. CHAPTER HNNNNNNGGGGGG - HNNNGGGGGGGGG HNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. THE END, STOP READING. HNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.1 1 DON'T HAWK UP A FUCKING LOOGIE WHEN YOU DO THIS! JESUS CHRIST, HNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG THE REAL END, MOTHERFUCKERS - OKAY HERE'S SOME ACTUAL ADVICE Okay, it's about three in the morning, four days after we wrote all this shit. We were high. I apologize. I know you probably bought this book expecting some legitimate advice, and now I'm going to give it to you, for actual serious this time. Step One: Wear a Mask and Suit. Step Two: Gain a crapload of charisma and learn shit. Step Three: NEVER take off the mask. Step Four: TAKE IT OFF when you need to bag somebody. Bow chicka bow wow. Step Five: SEPULCHRITUDE Step Six: HNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG External Links *Listen to this wonderful book on audio tape! Category:Books and Guides